I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
