So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
