I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize