my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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