In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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