Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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