At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
