Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
