I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
