I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
