You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
