I just pynch a tree in the face
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
