How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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