Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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