if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
