she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
