You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
