I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize