you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
