If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
