we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
