i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
no you cant smoke seaweed
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
