I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
