Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
