at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
