Who wears a wallet chain?!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
