I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
