I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
