I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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