He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
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