mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
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