Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
