Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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