Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
