Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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