at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
