I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize