this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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