Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
