I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
foreskin is a definite game changer
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
