im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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