My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
3 2 1 whiskey
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
