i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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