I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
