My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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