What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
