fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize