WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
