i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
