you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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