Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
