wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
