I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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