dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
