You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
