My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Enjoy the penises
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
