I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
