I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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