i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
