You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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