that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
