every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
