Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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