I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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